So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
