i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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