I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Sext me about skeletons
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