I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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