The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
