i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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