we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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