I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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