I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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