I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
