yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
