Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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