my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
