and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
