guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
two words...techno handjob
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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