She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
