Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he was CRYING into my vagina
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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