This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
