Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Im part way to drunk.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
