Ketchup is God's man juice
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
