He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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