My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I need moral support for this bender
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize