i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
