and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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