I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
