my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
