Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
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