he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
this boner is exhausting
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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