Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
