Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
