You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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