Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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