Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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