I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
