She's JV to your varsity
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
