Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my sisters under your porch take her home
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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