I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize