Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
