Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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