i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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