best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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