She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
