I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
