I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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