I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
