We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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