And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
