Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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