I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
