No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
