dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
