there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
