I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
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