woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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