You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize