nut hugger
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize