Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize