I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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