Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
